Holy Flying Paintballs!

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Friendly, friendly!"

Those were the words being screamed at me last night as I was busy unloading gas propelled paint pellets into someone's face and back before realising they were on my side.

Paintball: an interesting team building exercise for the staff at my cinema. Actually it was more like releasing a pack of wild hounds and letting them vent their frustrations with high powered guns for three hours. When you're the boss you're a prime target for people to shoot at, and I can tell you something, paintball pellets hurt when you get shot at point blank range. I'm not sure when the bruises will go down, but the field marshall assured me they will go down...eventually.

After being shot in the face, arms, back of the head, legs, balls, knees, feet, arse, side, hands, elbows, chin and stomach several times in the first two minutes, I decided to play it smart. I went and hid in a building.

After that I didn't get shot quite so much and I found out after it was over that my injuries were nothing compared to some of the others! My Chief Projectionist got shot in the back of his head at point blank range by one of my Cinema Managers who was on his side at the time. She didn't mean to do it, she had just accidentally shot another projectionist - who was also on her side - in the leg when her hand slipped. She apologised, turned the gun away and her finger slipped on the trigger again just as the gun was centimetres away from my Chief's head. Fortunately he was okay, but he did have trouble walking for the rest of the evening. To be fair my Cinema Manager had been shot in the mouth several minutes earlier and was still spitting up paint, so she was understandably jittery.

Paintball - good team building.

Jews, Jeans & Jealousy

I had a natural but totally unecessary reaction of jealousy last night. For reasons known only to my seriously disturbed mind, I'd got it into my head that my gorgeous and utterly lovely girlfriend had decided that she was bored with me and would soon be on the look out for a new muscle bound lover who could bench press a football team into the ground. My imagination was ignited further when I remembered that she would be going climbing this evening with a colleague from work to try something different. One of the things I love about my girlfriend is that she's willing to try lots of new things in life, and I was happy for her...yet insanely jealous at the same time! It made no sense. There I was smiling on the outside, but concocting fantasies of lots of beefy muscly blokes that she'd meet at the venue who would no doubt check out the new bit of hot stuff entering their view. My imagination got worse when I started imagining her going for a drink with these studly gentleman after a long sweaty climb for a cool relaxing drink and chat in a nice cosy pub.

As you can see, my mind checked out of head early last night and ran off to write it's own dramatisation of something every person in a relationship is always secretly scared of - what if their partner decides to look elsewhere? Of course I made a stupid decision and initially didn't say a word about my raging irrational jealousy when we were enjoying a few drinks of our own in the pub. But my saavy girlfriend, being of superior intellect, knew something was up and gradually pulled the truth out of me.

Of course I felt like a total tit.

And it did kind of put a bit of a downer on the evening for a while. But then she reminded me of something that every person who's in a relationship they care about should remember. She told me that she had exactly the same worries about me when I go out doing things by myself with other people. She expertly continued to sooth my self-abused ego by telling me that even though she always had that worry at the back of her mind, she also trusted me.

By then I was feeling like a bigger tit than Jordan's entire chest.

After I stopped sulking and kicking myself (metaphorically speaking) in the head, my brain woke up and realised she was right. Sometimes you have to remember that whilst you're always going to feel slightly nervous about what the other half is up to socially when you're not around, if you truly care about that person, then you'll remember that it's their life too and you must learn to trust them.

I shouldn't complain. I'm a slow learner and I'm going out with someone who's ten times smarter than me when it comes to common sense, but I'll get there eventually.

Now about those Jews... (by the way if you're easily offended or always call people racist for making harmless fun at people then you're reading the wrong blog and should log off now)

My cinema is shortly due to play host to the annual UK Jewish Film Festival (playing 7th - 19th November. Book Tickets Now!). It's very popular and a great event. However the audience are notoriously difficult to please. Even if you've prepared everything perfectly, they will find something to complain about. But I'm not here to make fun of Jewish people (I spotted the ringer at the back just dying to jump on me and yell 'Anti-Semitic Pig!'). I'm here to raise a concern (we're not allowed to say 'complaint' anymore apparently) about the content of the festival itself.

If I was Jewish, I would be deeply embarrassed to attend a festival where over half of the films playing have something to do with the holocaust. It's as if the Jewish cultural identity can only be related to something terrible that happened over sixty years ago. Yes it was tragic, yes it was evil, yes it did not go down well with the world. But in the words of Bob Marley, the Jews need to chill out. I'm fairly certain that they have over two thousand years of history to draw on as well. Why concentrate on the same depressing few years?

No offence, but when we're in the depths of an economic recession where people are quite depressed anyway, do you really want to go and show them a film where the hero, his family and their pet labrador 'Rex' get burnt to death in the first five minutes? "Welcome to the Jewish Film Festival. We know you've had a tough day, so sit back and relax. Put your feet up and drink some wine whilst we entertain you with a delightful comic romp about 6 million people being horribly tortured and killed. No refunds available." Bravo.

Films can inform yes, but is it really necessary to hit people in the head about the same thing every year over and over again? Over the last sixty years millions of people worldwide have been tortured and massacred every day. Do I hear about them all the time?

Anyway, please come to the festival (playing 7th - 19th November. Book Tickets Now!) If it does really well, I look good with my boss and the company might give me a bonus at the end of the year! Watch and make up your own mind. If you think I'm wrong, then please let me know and I'll happily debate with you. (there are actually a few out and out comedies this year!)

And as for jeans? Well, I just put that in the title because it sounded good. I don't actually have anything to say about jeans at the moment apart from never buy from Primark.

Ps. For anyone dying to criticise my viewpoint as being highly racist or anti semitic I should probably point out that my girlfriend's part Jewish and she also thinks the festival should lighten up.

Me - 1 Jewish Film Festival - 0 (playing 7th -19th November, Book Tickets Now!)

Projecting

Projectionists are a funny bunch.

They choose a career that basically involves being locked in a room surrounded by large machinery that makes a hell of a racket and don't really talk to other people much. A lot of projectionists are essentially vampires who emerge from their projection boxes once in a while to go on the hunt for trailers or unfortunate films that have escaped their clutches.

You get tall ones, short ones, thin ones and fat ones, just like real people. You also get lunatics, weirdos, freaks, deviants and psychos again just like real people. Even though they spend a lot of their time away from natural light, they do have human emotions and can be offended or upset if you don't treat them just right or if you inadvertantly give them paperwork to complete. Paperwork causes them to almost break down in tears because it doesn't involve pressing buttons or taking a machine to pieces and putting it back together again.

My Chief Projectionist is a very likeable chap. Having come from Brazil orginally and being built like a brick shit house doesn't hurt his people skills either. He still has scars on his forearms from his time as a bouncer back home but really knows his stuff when it comes to running a tight ship projection wise. Kind of like Lenny with brains. This helps the Chief when dealing with the vampires that work for him as although I'm sure they would like nothing more than to suck his blood dry, they wouldn't ever try to fuck him up as he could probably lift them up with one finger and take a Projector to their head with the other hand. I should hang a sign on the outside of the cinema saying 'Beware: This building is protected by an anti theft device who will flatten you if I let him off the leash'.

The irony of the situation is that the brick shit house slab of muscle who terrifies his Technicians and commands a 'respect me or else' attitude from everyone who meets him, is a holy man. He is a Christian Pastor who preaches peace and good will every Sunday lunchtime at his local church. Not everyone knows this and I do not volunteer this information to the people that meet him as it kind of takes away his 'hard bastard' mystique.

I'll spend more time on projectionists later, but for now I have a film that needs liberating from it's prison in the Post Office and I know just the giant available to help me intimidate the guy behind the counter...

Secrets of Management....

You wouldn't think of it if you saw me, but I am accidentally quite good at my job. And now that I've said that I've probably just jinxed it and when I get back to work on Monday, the cinema will be on fire, half the staff will have resigned and I'll find a note from my boss telling me that 'we have to talk' which as everyone knows is code for 'this relationship just isn't working out (professionally speaking of course). Your final payslip will be sent to you in the post'.

But before all that happens I want to revel in my starlight (in the company's eyes) before it comes crashing back down to earth with a thump.

I'm accidentally good at my job which is odd because I accidentally fell into it when I was 23. Before becoming a Cinema Manager I'd been doing a stint in HMV here and a couple of weeks in Telesales there. I'd never had what you could call 'a proper job' since graduating. And then I started working in Cinema. Since then I've trained and practised as an HR Advisor between the cinema work and last year some berk (my boss) decided it would be a good idea to put me in charge of a London cinema.

I don't really want to work as a manager for the rest of my life. Like most of us, it's something that I keep telling myself will pay for the bills until I can actually make some money off the work I really want to do. I pushed myself hard to get into the position I'm in right now because I thought it would give me the flexibility to do the work I want to do in my spare time (cinema hours are not like regular work hours as anyone who works there will tell you). But I'm not here to talk about that right now. Right now I should do what the title of this post has said I will do and share some things I've learnt about management.

1. Always be nice to the people who are working for you, even if you hate them. Treat them with respect even if they're secretly plotting your downfall when you're not there. I've been fortunate to have worked with some very good people the past year and they've grafted hard to give the cinema I run the results it's gained. But I've also worked with people who've hated my guts. No one can be a good manager unless they get the people who are working for them on their side. 9 times out of 10 this means doing a lot of things that you'd rather not do. Even simple things like taking a half hour to talk to one of your team about what's on their mind can make a big difference. People find it hard to hate someone if that someone is working hard themselves and spending time with the people working for them. Of course the lazy fucks who don't want to work will still hate you, but that's okay because the moment they fuck up (and they will) you can fire them.

2. Listen. Hard for me as I have a tendency to interrupt people. But I'm learning......slowly....I know it works!

3. Smile. (I must sound like Walt Disney come back from the dead to brainwash people) But seriously, just saying hello and smiling can piss off the people who are trying to fuck you over and make the people who want to work feel better. Especially when times are tough or things are going bad.

4. Don't go on a power trip and think the sun shines out of your arse. It doesn't. The most successful managers I know are the ones who recognise that the people who do the majority of the work are the people who work for them. If you can't recognise this and be humble about it, then you shouldn't be a manager. It's okay to feel proud and powerful once in a while, but don't let it go to your head or you're fucked. Adolf Hitler and many like him have discovered this at great cost.

5. Don't be afraid to try new things or challenge the status quo. Sometimes you can take over a bad team, a demotivated team or a brilliant team. In each case it's important to keep that team interested and on their toes. Give them new things to do. Assign them projects. Make their role feel valued. If you can do this, then you can put your feet up confident in the knowledge that half the job's done and you can go and have a beer and watch the footy......if that's your thing.

6. Don't micro manage tasks or people. You have to trust the people who work for you can do stuff too. Don't be a twat and try to do everything yourself.

And my final piece of advice is that even if you're the best manager in the world, there are still going to be people who hate you with a vengance and would probably like to see you drown in a pool of your own vomit, but you can't let that bother you. If you do you might as well quit. You just have to face the fact that not everyone will like you. Jesus discovered this (to his horror) two thousand years ago and nothing's changed much about human beings since then.

As for me...well I enjoy 50% of my job. Now I have to try and get the other 50%. But more on that another time...

Fat Bastard + 1

Sometimes there's nothing like a good Sunday roast. Chicken, potatoes, carrots, brocoli, yorkshire pudding and champagne! That's exactly what I cooked and poured today when I woke up. I am truly a fat bastard. But I was not alone! My anatomically pleasing girlfriend was around so I also stuffed her full of food to the point where she actually passed out from food exhaustion. I was so proud. I should feel guilty considering the starving people in Africa and so on, but damn did that chicken taste good!

................burp!

Pirates and 30th Birthdays

My friend contacted me late last night to invite me aboard his Pirate ship in March 2010 where we plan to sail down the River Avon and make various townspeople walk the plank. He's changed his name from Dave to Captain Gaybeard for the duration of the journey. I also have to change my name too, but I haven't thought of one yet. Why are we planning on looting and plundering the English countryside? Well because Dave...sorry, Captain Gaybeard, turns 30 next year. So to mark this hallowed event/advanced mid life crisis, Captain Gaybeard wants to comandeer a ship and pretend to be a Pirate and scare random people along the river.

Pretty cool eh?

And it's also reminded me that I turn 30 before he does and there is no way I'm going to be able to top the Pirate ship idea! I mean we're going to be Pirates! How awesome is that?!

So now I'm going to have to put my thinking cap on and come up with a suitable event to mark my 30th year on this planet. And I'm thinking.....

The most annoying work problems and how to solve them. A quick 'how to guide'

Problem
People who keep pretending to be sick to avoid a disciplinary hearing

Solution
Call their bluff on Doctor's notes. Request to have access to their GP to verify their claims and say that the hearing is wheelchair accessible to make it easier for the retard to attend. When they decline, you know they're a no good two faced lying son of a bitch who deserve to be put down like a dog. Happily oblige after you've sacked them by shooting them in the legs and giving them a map to the hospital...along with their P45 of course.

Problem
Incompetent HR Managers who are really Advisors but like to be called Managers as it makes them feel less retarded then they actually are

Solution
Simple really. Never call them for advice. Instead contact the people who actually know employment law because they wrote it - the Government. They're retarded as well but you should follow their advice instead as that way if you have to go to Employment Tribunal, you can claim you were complying with employment law and the bastard who's dared to take you to tribunal looks like a bigger drooling spaz then he already is. Of course he's so dumb, he'll think he's at an auction and make a 50 pound bid for the judge's wig.

I'll have more on 'Time wasting tossers' tomorrow. Tune in if you can bother.

Notes on retardation

How do you tell people that they really are stupid? Sometimes you can't bite your tongue, and I made the interesting decision to call a bunch of people I work for utter mongoes. Why? Because they really are. They are basically in charge of a multi mllion pound business and they piss money away like it's ten pints of beer on a Friday night!