They are feral creatures.
They push and claw at you if you get in their way. You are nothing to them. Less than nothing as they leave you broken on the floor and tread over you to get the last bag of potatoes.
They are the last minute shoppers.
Truly terrifying people I have to say. I got kicked, shoved and somehow my feet were run over by a trolley when I was in Sainsbury's trying to pick up a few ingredients for Christmas dinner on the 25th. It never ceases to amaze me the sheer lunacy on these shopper's faces as they prowl the aisles hunting for things they neither want or need. At least I had a list!
There was one point where a mum was moving past several other trolley's with her hellspawn....sorry, 'children' in tow. Whilst the kids were screaming at their mum to buy them rolo yoghurts, I actually heard her tell them to 'shut the fuck up!' Funny. She looked normal enough. Not a mark of burberry or tracksuit in sight. She was wearing nice normal mumish clothes. Her hair was tied into a neat ponytail and she had a sensible dark green winter coat on. Basically I had just heard what I thought was a nice normal mum swear horribly at her children. Okay, I might have agreed with her sentiment, but I was forced to wonder if these parents are the reason so many kids walk around with a bad attitude and knives hidden in their jackets?
The spirit of Christmas runs deep.
In any case, I hurried out and made my way home as soon as possible to try and remember that Christmas could be joyful and bright and less sweary.
Ho Ho Ho!
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Monday, 21 December 2009
Santa Vs. Jesus - One night only, Live on Christmas Eve
Ah Christmas!
Don't you love the unseasonable jolliness? The over indulgence in food and drink? The presents you'll only use once in your life? I do!
Christmas represents a welcome break from my overworked mind and body. I'm really happy that I don't have to work until next year! I know for some people Christmas isn't such a big deal - Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists and that guy who's about to jump off a bridge on Christmas day.
Christmas is many things to many people. One of my friend's endures Christmas and looks forward to when it's over and he can get back to normal. Considering he got a petrol can as a present last year, I can't say I blame him. The worst thing was that he drives a diesel car so he can't even use the can.
But I like Christmas. I always try and give everyone a present they'll like and on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day we have a big party for everybody so that they can unwind and relax especially if they've had a crappy Christmas.
So Season's Greetings to all and here's to a Happy New Year!
Ho Ho Ho!
Don't you love the unseasonable jolliness? The over indulgence in food and drink? The presents you'll only use once in your life? I do!
Christmas represents a welcome break from my overworked mind and body. I'm really happy that I don't have to work until next year! I know for some people Christmas isn't such a big deal - Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists and that guy who's about to jump off a bridge on Christmas day.
Christmas is many things to many people. One of my friend's endures Christmas and looks forward to when it's over and he can get back to normal. Considering he got a petrol can as a present last year, I can't say I blame him. The worst thing was that he drives a diesel car so he can't even use the can.
But I like Christmas. I always try and give everyone a present they'll like and on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day we have a big party for everybody so that they can unwind and relax especially if they've had a crappy Christmas.
So Season's Greetings to all and here's to a Happy New Year!
Ho Ho Ho!
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Rage Against The Machine Of Wankers!
Wankers.
There really is no other way to describe BA cabin crew, Bob Crowe and his band of dunderhead train drivers, The X Factor's lack of talent and all those managers who are actually no good at their job and try and pawn it off on those around them.
So I raged against the machine and started by downloading Killing In The Name! Anything to stop that smug git Simon Cowell from forcing another fopheaded twat into little girl's stockings on Christmas day. And that just sounded incredibly dodgy. But that is what happens when these brain dead freaks are of 'music' are forced into the public consciousness on a regular basis.
BA cabin crew can fuck off as well.
They've managed to piss off over a million people by threatening to strike over Christmas. Two people I care about have been affected and it's going to cause them no end of suffering over Christmas when they try to get home. Strikes don't solve anything. All they do is piss off decent hard working people. If you can't accept the conditions at your workplace then you know what to do - piss off and find somewhere else to work.
Bob Crowe needs a bullet to the head as well as all those twat drivers who strike because they're not satisfied with their 50k salaries plus lots of holiday and only 35 hours a week at work.
I think I just needed to rant against the machine...
There really is no other way to describe BA cabin crew, Bob Crowe and his band of dunderhead train drivers, The X Factor's lack of talent and all those managers who are actually no good at their job and try and pawn it off on those around them.
So I raged against the machine and started by downloading Killing In The Name! Anything to stop that smug git Simon Cowell from forcing another fopheaded twat into little girl's stockings on Christmas day. And that just sounded incredibly dodgy. But that is what happens when these brain dead freaks are of 'music' are forced into the public consciousness on a regular basis.
BA cabin crew can fuck off as well.
They've managed to piss off over a million people by threatening to strike over Christmas. Two people I care about have been affected and it's going to cause them no end of suffering over Christmas when they try to get home. Strikes don't solve anything. All they do is piss off decent hard working people. If you can't accept the conditions at your workplace then you know what to do - piss off and find somewhere else to work.
Bob Crowe needs a bullet to the head as well as all those twat drivers who strike because they're not satisfied with their 50k salaries plus lots of holiday and only 35 hours a week at work.
I think I just needed to rant against the machine...
Thursday, 26 November 2009
The Damned United
It's difficult to explain the horrors of the past week without resorting to laughing at it all.
In short, last week I was at a Regional Meeting for all the General Managers in London where we were all told that we had to do three times the work we were already doing with 5% less resources. One of my colleagues summed things up perfectly when she said 'Well that meeting was shit wasn't it?'
Needless to say we stumbled into the nearest bar and drank ourselves into a new state of happiness. I don't think any of us realised our boss had joined us until it was too late. So we got him drunk too after I and pretty much everyone else told him how shit we thought the meeting was. He stumbled out a few hours later happier I think.
I should point out that I am not advocating alcohol as the solution to your problems. All it does is make you feel temporarily aware enough to realise that in the grand scheme of things, the day job doesn't really matter. We should use it as a means to an end.
A fact I was reminded of on Tuesday this week when I discovered my girlfriend's next door neighbours had been a bit naughty in the early hours of the morning and had 'accidentaly' started a gang fight complete with guns. The retarded hoodies who were cauing all the trouble managed to run away when 30-40 police officers surrounded the area. They had thoughtfully left a handgun behind as evidence.
My girlfriend and her flatmates were all okay, but needless to say were all a bit shell shocked and have now with the help of their landlord written to the council to get the chavs causing the trouble evicted as soon as possible.
So when I think about it, we are all really lucky people most of the time and all of us should look around at all the people we care about and remind ourselves that all the little things that piss us off are just that...little. So the next time you feel like whinging about how much your job is pissing you off, just remember - it could be worse. Also, get off your arse and find a new one if it pisses you off that much.
Failing that, go and buy yourself a bottle of wine or some beer, find your friends and enjoy making yourself happily unaware of the annoying little things for a few hours.
Right. Time to dust off the CV before retiring to the pub then!
In short, last week I was at a Regional Meeting for all the General Managers in London where we were all told that we had to do three times the work we were already doing with 5% less resources. One of my colleagues summed things up perfectly when she said 'Well that meeting was shit wasn't it?'
Needless to say we stumbled into the nearest bar and drank ourselves into a new state of happiness. I don't think any of us realised our boss had joined us until it was too late. So we got him drunk too after I and pretty much everyone else told him how shit we thought the meeting was. He stumbled out a few hours later happier I think.
I should point out that I am not advocating alcohol as the solution to your problems. All it does is make you feel temporarily aware enough to realise that in the grand scheme of things, the day job doesn't really matter. We should use it as a means to an end.
A fact I was reminded of on Tuesday this week when I discovered my girlfriend's next door neighbours had been a bit naughty in the early hours of the morning and had 'accidentaly' started a gang fight complete with guns. The retarded hoodies who were cauing all the trouble managed to run away when 30-40 police officers surrounded the area. They had thoughtfully left a handgun behind as evidence.
My girlfriend and her flatmates were all okay, but needless to say were all a bit shell shocked and have now with the help of their landlord written to the council to get the chavs causing the trouble evicted as soon as possible.
So when I think about it, we are all really lucky people most of the time and all of us should look around at all the people we care about and remind ourselves that all the little things that piss us off are just that...little. So the next time you feel like whinging about how much your job is pissing you off, just remember - it could be worse. Also, get off your arse and find a new one if it pisses you off that much.
Failing that, go and buy yourself a bottle of wine or some beer, find your friends and enjoy making yourself happily unaware of the annoying little things for a few hours.
Right. Time to dust off the CV before retiring to the pub then!
Saturday, 21 November 2009
Live Free Or Twi-hard!
The Jewish Film Festival ends, only to be replaced by a phenomenon more arduous and terrifying than that of any story about pizza in Auschwitz. Yesterday evening to the delight of millions of girls and the horror of millions of boys in the country, the second part of the Twilight saga hit cinemas.
It's been less than a year since the first film hit cinemas across the world, but fan fever has infected I'd say about 1 woman in 3. To be honest, I barely paid the film any attention last year. It seemed like another mash up of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and an Ann Rice novel, but without any of the wit or talent of those two writers (although I'm not a big fan of Lestat and co. I have to admit that the book was pretty good). Turns out I'd totally underestimated the power of the 'girl falls in love with boy who turns out to be a vampire tale'. Twilight was going to be huge.
The sheer focus of some of the 'Twihards' I've met is scary. It's like millions of girls and women have suddenly become Star Trek fans, except you replace the pointy ears with pointy teeth.
Like every cinema, my cinema is also playing 'New Moon' which is the new Twilight film's proper title. Apparently this one has vampires AND werewolves in it. Is there going to be an awesome monster mash up? Sort of. There is fighting, but there's also lots of teen angst and beautifully furtive looks from pretty boys and girls who look like they've had Vidal Sasoon prepare their hair every time they step outside. Not really my cup of tea.
For months I'd been criticising the film much to the dismay of a lot of the girls I know who are obsessed with Robert Pattinson's hair (he's the guy who plays the lead vampire that the girl falls 'irrevocably in love with' - keep up!). They told me I should actually watch the film before slagging it off.
Fair point.
About a month ago I picked up a bargain basement DVD of Twilight for a few quid in HMV. I watched it. I am now trying to sell the DVD on ebay.
I'm not going to pick the film to pieces, because there's no need to. It does it all by itself. Watch it and you'll see what I mean. I was quite impressed with Bella's (she's the girl who falls in love with Robert Pattinson who's the vampire, remember?) facial expression. She didn't change it once for the entire film. It was like watching someone who's thinking that they may or may not be constipated. You don't need to see the film to check this expression out - just take a look at the millions of posters for New Moon around at the moment. This expression apparently was supposed to make me believe that she was hopelessly in love with Edward (Robert Pattinson - guy who's a vampire) despite the fact that he initially seems to think she's farted when they first meet.
The film is very silly.
But that's not to mean that I can't admit that maybe I'm missing something to truly appreciate the film. A vagina perhaps.
Anyways, I'm happy that the film is going to take a lot of money at the Box Office. Anything that puts bums on seats at the moment is fine by me. I may never understand the appeal of the film, but that's not to say that I don't appreciate it's commercial value. Besides as Kevin Smith rightly pointed out this year at the Comic Con convention, we shouldn't spend all our time slagging off Twilight as nonsense or taking the piss out of it's fans, because at the end of the day it has made fantasy more accessible to an audience that traditionally avoids fantasy and science fiction like a plague.
So New Moon may not be the best acted, best plotted or even a million miles close to a decent fantasy film, but maybe just maybe, it will bring a new audience into a genre that is always treated with sarcasm and disrespect by mainstream thinking.
I'm still not going to watch it though.
It's been less than a year since the first film hit cinemas across the world, but fan fever has infected I'd say about 1 woman in 3. To be honest, I barely paid the film any attention last year. It seemed like another mash up of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and an Ann Rice novel, but without any of the wit or talent of those two writers (although I'm not a big fan of Lestat and co. I have to admit that the book was pretty good). Turns out I'd totally underestimated the power of the 'girl falls in love with boy who turns out to be a vampire tale'. Twilight was going to be huge.
The sheer focus of some of the 'Twihards' I've met is scary. It's like millions of girls and women have suddenly become Star Trek fans, except you replace the pointy ears with pointy teeth.
Like every cinema, my cinema is also playing 'New Moon' which is the new Twilight film's proper title. Apparently this one has vampires AND werewolves in it. Is there going to be an awesome monster mash up? Sort of. There is fighting, but there's also lots of teen angst and beautifully furtive looks from pretty boys and girls who look like they've had Vidal Sasoon prepare their hair every time they step outside. Not really my cup of tea.
For months I'd been criticising the film much to the dismay of a lot of the girls I know who are obsessed with Robert Pattinson's hair (he's the guy who plays the lead vampire that the girl falls 'irrevocably in love with' - keep up!). They told me I should actually watch the film before slagging it off.
Fair point.
About a month ago I picked up a bargain basement DVD of Twilight for a few quid in HMV. I watched it. I am now trying to sell the DVD on ebay.
I'm not going to pick the film to pieces, because there's no need to. It does it all by itself. Watch it and you'll see what I mean. I was quite impressed with Bella's (she's the girl who falls in love with Robert Pattinson who's the vampire, remember?) facial expression. She didn't change it once for the entire film. It was like watching someone who's thinking that they may or may not be constipated. You don't need to see the film to check this expression out - just take a look at the millions of posters for New Moon around at the moment. This expression apparently was supposed to make me believe that she was hopelessly in love with Edward (Robert Pattinson - guy who's a vampire) despite the fact that he initially seems to think she's farted when they first meet.
The film is very silly.
But that's not to mean that I can't admit that maybe I'm missing something to truly appreciate the film. A vagina perhaps.
Anyways, I'm happy that the film is going to take a lot of money at the Box Office. Anything that puts bums on seats at the moment is fine by me. I may never understand the appeal of the film, but that's not to say that I don't appreciate it's commercial value. Besides as Kevin Smith rightly pointed out this year at the Comic Con convention, we shouldn't spend all our time slagging off Twilight as nonsense or taking the piss out of it's fans, because at the end of the day it has made fantasy more accessible to an audience that traditionally avoids fantasy and science fiction like a plague.
So New Moon may not be the best acted, best plotted or even a million miles close to a decent fantasy film, but maybe just maybe, it will bring a new audience into a genre that is always treated with sarcasm and disrespect by mainstream thinking.
I'm still not going to watch it though.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Pizza In Auschwitz
An old guy takes his two grandchildren to visit Auschwitz to bring home the horrors of the holocaust to them. They end up ordering pizza and spending the night in the former death camp. Black comedy or just totally disturbing?
This is actually the title and synopsis of one of the films playing at the festival. I felt sorry for the grandfather in the film because the children couldn't give a rat's arse about where they were or what he was trying to do. They knew about the holocaust because they had been taught about it from a young age, but they kept asking their grandfather if they could go home because it was cold and they could see little point visiting something that held a lot more meaning for him, then for them. There is a very big divide in the generational gap and some of the older generation seem to have trouble letting this go and allowing their children to move on.
I think I must have done something to annoy the festival organisers as they haven't shown up at the cinema since last Wednesday. Not that I'm complaining - things run a lot more smoothly without them running about like headless chickens trying to wind up anyone within range. Ho hum!
My Tech Manager commented to me the other day that he was having trouble understanding how the organisers could be so rude. I shrugged and told him not to let it bother him. Just do our jobs, smile and take the money. Simply put, we don't get paid enough to deal with the kind of insulting behaviour the organisers think is normal. So the best thing we can do is ignore them when they behave like spoilt children, and just get on with out work.
The chairman of the festival thoroughly upset one of my cinema manager's with his arrogant and rude behaviour last week. My manager already wasn't feeling well when he tried to bully her and she has been off sick since last Tuesday. I said the same thing to her that I said to my Tech Manager - they're not worth worrying about.
On a positive note, we have only had one technical glitch and it was due to a faulty disc that was provided by the festival. Everything else has run smoothly. I know this year has been better than last year - the producer hasn't been calling me every five minutes. Woo hoo!
This is actually the title and synopsis of one of the films playing at the festival. I felt sorry for the grandfather in the film because the children couldn't give a rat's arse about where they were or what he was trying to do. They knew about the holocaust because they had been taught about it from a young age, but they kept asking their grandfather if they could go home because it was cold and they could see little point visiting something that held a lot more meaning for him, then for them. There is a very big divide in the generational gap and some of the older generation seem to have trouble letting this go and allowing their children to move on.
I think I must have done something to annoy the festival organisers as they haven't shown up at the cinema since last Wednesday. Not that I'm complaining - things run a lot more smoothly without them running about like headless chickens trying to wind up anyone within range. Ho hum!
My Tech Manager commented to me the other day that he was having trouble understanding how the organisers could be so rude. I shrugged and told him not to let it bother him. Just do our jobs, smile and take the money. Simply put, we don't get paid enough to deal with the kind of insulting behaviour the organisers think is normal. So the best thing we can do is ignore them when they behave like spoilt children, and just get on with out work.
The chairman of the festival thoroughly upset one of my cinema manager's with his arrogant and rude behaviour last week. My manager already wasn't feeling well when he tried to bully her and she has been off sick since last Tuesday. I said the same thing to her that I said to my Tech Manager - they're not worth worrying about.
On a positive note, we have only had one technical glitch and it was due to a faulty disc that was provided by the festival. Everything else has run smoothly. I know this year has been better than last year - the producer hasn't been calling me every five minutes. Woo hoo!
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Fiesta!
It's been a long long week. Having just completed ten straight days at the cinema I'm pleased to report that everything's been running smoothly.
Well, almost smoothly.
Last Sunday we had one technical issue with a DVD copy that the festival had supplied. It froze halfway through the film. When something like that happens the first thought that flies through your head is 'Shit!' The second thought that follows is 'Shit Shit!'. After you've gotten over those initial thoughts you suddenly become a coiled spring of action. I've had these thoughts many many times, so I knew exactly how my assistant manager felt when she happened to be on duty when the film froze.
She did all the right things; made an announcement apologising for the technical problem and that they were trying to fix it. A round of applause from the audience later and everything is hunky dory. Everyone's happy! Well everyone except the Chairman of the Festival who decided to throw his weight around.
After he spent ten minutes berating my manager for blaming the festival for the problem, which she didn't, and telling her off for not doing her job, which she was, he got shown up by an extremely pleasant woman from the BBC who happened to be in the audience. The nice lady from the BBC had offered some assistance to the projection team and together they concluded that there was indeed a problem with the disc and that it was no one's fault as even during rehearsal the scratch wasn't noticed and there had been no problems. It was bad luck and a duff copy which the Chairmen couldn't seem to live with.
The next day he came and demanded to speak to me and explained things from his point of view. I being the dutiful manager let him rant on and chain smoke himself out before responding that it wasn't our intent to blame the festival and from what I'd been told that hadn't happened. He muttered and grumbled and eventually buggered off saying it was a disgrace and we should be ashamed. A very rude and arrogant man.
It didn't end there though.
The next day he was in again to watch a film and made a point of coming up to me to say 'now, no fucks up tonight right? I'm sponsoring this film.' I think he was joking, but after everything that had happened and after he'd thoroughly upset my manager, I wasn't amused.
All in all, the customers have been fine. Some of the festival organisers on the other hand are among the most close minded, self-obsessed, arrogant and rude people I have ever dealt with in my life. I truly hope karma does it's job and comes round to give them a taste of their own medicine as you cannot treat people with contempt and expect them to smile at you.
Well, almost smoothly.
Last Sunday we had one technical issue with a DVD copy that the festival had supplied. It froze halfway through the film. When something like that happens the first thought that flies through your head is 'Shit!' The second thought that follows is 'Shit Shit!'. After you've gotten over those initial thoughts you suddenly become a coiled spring of action. I've had these thoughts many many times, so I knew exactly how my assistant manager felt when she happened to be on duty when the film froze.
She did all the right things; made an announcement apologising for the technical problem and that they were trying to fix it. A round of applause from the audience later and everything is hunky dory. Everyone's happy! Well everyone except the Chairman of the Festival who decided to throw his weight around.
After he spent ten minutes berating my manager for blaming the festival for the problem, which she didn't, and telling her off for not doing her job, which she was, he got shown up by an extremely pleasant woman from the BBC who happened to be in the audience. The nice lady from the BBC had offered some assistance to the projection team and together they concluded that there was indeed a problem with the disc and that it was no one's fault as even during rehearsal the scratch wasn't noticed and there had been no problems. It was bad luck and a duff copy which the Chairmen couldn't seem to live with.
The next day he came and demanded to speak to me and explained things from his point of view. I being the dutiful manager let him rant on and chain smoke himself out before responding that it wasn't our intent to blame the festival and from what I'd been told that hadn't happened. He muttered and grumbled and eventually buggered off saying it was a disgrace and we should be ashamed. A very rude and arrogant man.
It didn't end there though.
The next day he was in again to watch a film and made a point of coming up to me to say 'now, no fucks up tonight right? I'm sponsoring this film.' I think he was joking, but after everything that had happened and after he'd thoroughly upset my manager, I wasn't amused.
All in all, the customers have been fine. Some of the festival organisers on the other hand are among the most close minded, self-obsessed, arrogant and rude people I have ever dealt with in my life. I truly hope karma does it's job and comes round to give them a taste of their own medicine as you cannot treat people with contempt and expect them to smile at you.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Holy Flying Paintballs!
"Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Friendly, friendly!"
Those were the words being screamed at me last night as I was busy unloading gas propelled paint pellets into someone's face and back before realising they were on my side.
Paintball: an interesting team building exercise for the staff at my cinema. Actually it was more like releasing a pack of wild hounds and letting them vent their frustrations with high powered guns for three hours. When you're the boss you're a prime target for people to shoot at, and I can tell you something, paintball pellets hurt when you get shot at point blank range. I'm not sure when the bruises will go down, but the field marshall assured me they will go down...eventually.
After being shot in the face, arms, back of the head, legs, balls, knees, feet, arse, side, hands, elbows, chin and stomach several times in the first two minutes, I decided to play it smart. I went and hid in a building.
After that I didn't get shot quite so much and I found out after it was over that my injuries were nothing compared to some of the others! My Chief Projectionist got shot in the back of his head at point blank range by one of my Cinema Managers who was on his side at the time. She didn't mean to do it, she had just accidentally shot another projectionist - who was also on her side - in the leg when her hand slipped. She apologised, turned the gun away and her finger slipped on the trigger again just as the gun was centimetres away from my Chief's head. Fortunately he was okay, but he did have trouble walking for the rest of the evening. To be fair my Cinema Manager had been shot in the mouth several minutes earlier and was still spitting up paint, so she was understandably jittery.
Paintball - good team building.
Those were the words being screamed at me last night as I was busy unloading gas propelled paint pellets into someone's face and back before realising they were on my side.
Paintball: an interesting team building exercise for the staff at my cinema. Actually it was more like releasing a pack of wild hounds and letting them vent their frustrations with high powered guns for three hours. When you're the boss you're a prime target for people to shoot at, and I can tell you something, paintball pellets hurt when you get shot at point blank range. I'm not sure when the bruises will go down, but the field marshall assured me they will go down...eventually.
After being shot in the face, arms, back of the head, legs, balls, knees, feet, arse, side, hands, elbows, chin and stomach several times in the first two minutes, I decided to play it smart. I went and hid in a building.
After that I didn't get shot quite so much and I found out after it was over that my injuries were nothing compared to some of the others! My Chief Projectionist got shot in the back of his head at point blank range by one of my Cinema Managers who was on his side at the time. She didn't mean to do it, she had just accidentally shot another projectionist - who was also on her side - in the leg when her hand slipped. She apologised, turned the gun away and her finger slipped on the trigger again just as the gun was centimetres away from my Chief's head. Fortunately he was okay, but he did have trouble walking for the rest of the evening. To be fair my Cinema Manager had been shot in the mouth several minutes earlier and was still spitting up paint, so she was understandably jittery.
Paintball - good team building.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Jews, Jeans & Jealousy
I had a natural but totally unecessary reaction of jealousy last night. For reasons known only to my seriously disturbed mind, I'd got it into my head that my gorgeous and utterly lovely girlfriend had decided that she was bored with me and would soon be on the look out for a new muscle bound lover who could bench press a football team into the ground. My imagination was ignited further when I remembered that she would be going climbing this evening with a colleague from work to try something different. One of the things I love about my girlfriend is that she's willing to try lots of new things in life, and I was happy for her...yet insanely jealous at the same time! It made no sense. There I was smiling on the outside, but concocting fantasies of lots of beefy muscly blokes that she'd meet at the venue who would no doubt check out the new bit of hot stuff entering their view. My imagination got worse when I started imagining her going for a drink with these studly gentleman after a long sweaty climb for a cool relaxing drink and chat in a nice cosy pub.
As you can see, my mind checked out of head early last night and ran off to write it's own dramatisation of something every person in a relationship is always secretly scared of - what if their partner decides to look elsewhere? Of course I made a stupid decision and initially didn't say a word about my raging irrational jealousy when we were enjoying a few drinks of our own in the pub. But my saavy girlfriend, being of superior intellect, knew something was up and gradually pulled the truth out of me.
Of course I felt like a total tit.
And it did kind of put a bit of a downer on the evening for a while. But then she reminded me of something that every person who's in a relationship they care about should remember. She told me that she had exactly the same worries about me when I go out doing things by myself with other people. She expertly continued to sooth my self-abused ego by telling me that even though she always had that worry at the back of her mind, she also trusted me.
By then I was feeling like a bigger tit than Jordan's entire chest.
After I stopped sulking and kicking myself (metaphorically speaking) in the head, my brain woke up and realised she was right. Sometimes you have to remember that whilst you're always going to feel slightly nervous about what the other half is up to socially when you're not around, if you truly care about that person, then you'll remember that it's their life too and you must learn to trust them.
I shouldn't complain. I'm a slow learner and I'm going out with someone who's ten times smarter than me when it comes to common sense, but I'll get there eventually.
Now about those Jews... (by the way if you're easily offended or always call people racist for making harmless fun at people then you're reading the wrong blog and should log off now)
My cinema is shortly due to play host to the annual UK Jewish Film Festival (playing 7th - 19th November. Book Tickets Now!). It's very popular and a great event. However the audience are notoriously difficult to please. Even if you've prepared everything perfectly, they will find something to complain about. But I'm not here to make fun of Jewish people (I spotted the ringer at the back just dying to jump on me and yell 'Anti-Semitic Pig!'). I'm here to raise a concern (we're not allowed to say 'complaint' anymore apparently) about the content of the festival itself.
If I was Jewish, I would be deeply embarrassed to attend a festival where over half of the films playing have something to do with the holocaust. It's as if the Jewish cultural identity can only be related to something terrible that happened over sixty years ago. Yes it was tragic, yes it was evil, yes it did not go down well with the world. But in the words of Bob Marley, the Jews need to chill out. I'm fairly certain that they have over two thousand years of history to draw on as well. Why concentrate on the same depressing few years?
No offence, but when we're in the depths of an economic recession where people are quite depressed anyway, do you really want to go and show them a film where the hero, his family and their pet labrador 'Rex' get burnt to death in the first five minutes? "Welcome to the Jewish Film Festival. We know you've had a tough day, so sit back and relax. Put your feet up and drink some wine whilst we entertain you with a delightful comic romp about 6 million people being horribly tortured and killed. No refunds available." Bravo.
Films can inform yes, but is it really necessary to hit people in the head about the same thing every year over and over again? Over the last sixty years millions of people worldwide have been tortured and massacred every day. Do I hear about them all the time?
Anyway, please come to the festival (playing 7th - 19th November. Book Tickets Now!) If it does really well, I look good with my boss and the company might give me a bonus at the end of the year! Watch and make up your own mind. If you think I'm wrong, then please let me know and I'll happily debate with you. (there are actually a few out and out comedies this year!)
And as for jeans? Well, I just put that in the title because it sounded good. I don't actually have anything to say about jeans at the moment apart from never buy from Primark.
Ps. For anyone dying to criticise my viewpoint as being highly racist or anti semitic I should probably point out that my girlfriend's part Jewish and she also thinks the festival should lighten up.
Me - 1 Jewish Film Festival - 0 (playing 7th -19th November, Book Tickets Now!)
As you can see, my mind checked out of head early last night and ran off to write it's own dramatisation of something every person in a relationship is always secretly scared of - what if their partner decides to look elsewhere? Of course I made a stupid decision and initially didn't say a word about my raging irrational jealousy when we were enjoying a few drinks of our own in the pub. But my saavy girlfriend, being of superior intellect, knew something was up and gradually pulled the truth out of me.
Of course I felt like a total tit.
And it did kind of put a bit of a downer on the evening for a while. But then she reminded me of something that every person who's in a relationship they care about should remember. She told me that she had exactly the same worries about me when I go out doing things by myself with other people. She expertly continued to sooth my self-abused ego by telling me that even though she always had that worry at the back of her mind, she also trusted me.
By then I was feeling like a bigger tit than Jordan's entire chest.
After I stopped sulking and kicking myself (metaphorically speaking) in the head, my brain woke up and realised she was right. Sometimes you have to remember that whilst you're always going to feel slightly nervous about what the other half is up to socially when you're not around, if you truly care about that person, then you'll remember that it's their life too and you must learn to trust them.
I shouldn't complain. I'm a slow learner and I'm going out with someone who's ten times smarter than me when it comes to common sense, but I'll get there eventually.
Now about those Jews... (by the way if you're easily offended or always call people racist for making harmless fun at people then you're reading the wrong blog and should log off now)
My cinema is shortly due to play host to the annual UK Jewish Film Festival (playing 7th - 19th November. Book Tickets Now!). It's very popular and a great event. However the audience are notoriously difficult to please. Even if you've prepared everything perfectly, they will find something to complain about. But I'm not here to make fun of Jewish people (I spotted the ringer at the back just dying to jump on me and yell 'Anti-Semitic Pig!'). I'm here to raise a concern (we're not allowed to say 'complaint' anymore apparently) about the content of the festival itself.
If I was Jewish, I would be deeply embarrassed to attend a festival where over half of the films playing have something to do with the holocaust. It's as if the Jewish cultural identity can only be related to something terrible that happened over sixty years ago. Yes it was tragic, yes it was evil, yes it did not go down well with the world. But in the words of Bob Marley, the Jews need to chill out. I'm fairly certain that they have over two thousand years of history to draw on as well. Why concentrate on the same depressing few years?
No offence, but when we're in the depths of an economic recession where people are quite depressed anyway, do you really want to go and show them a film where the hero, his family and their pet labrador 'Rex' get burnt to death in the first five minutes? "Welcome to the Jewish Film Festival. We know you've had a tough day, so sit back and relax. Put your feet up and drink some wine whilst we entertain you with a delightful comic romp about 6 million people being horribly tortured and killed. No refunds available." Bravo.
Films can inform yes, but is it really necessary to hit people in the head about the same thing every year over and over again? Over the last sixty years millions of people worldwide have been tortured and massacred every day. Do I hear about them all the time?
Anyway, please come to the festival (playing 7th - 19th November. Book Tickets Now!) If it does really well, I look good with my boss and the company might give me a bonus at the end of the year! Watch and make up your own mind. If you think I'm wrong, then please let me know and I'll happily debate with you. (there are actually a few out and out comedies this year!)
And as for jeans? Well, I just put that in the title because it sounded good. I don't actually have anything to say about jeans at the moment apart from never buy from Primark.
Ps. For anyone dying to criticise my viewpoint as being highly racist or anti semitic I should probably point out that my girlfriend's part Jewish and she also thinks the festival should lighten up.
Me - 1 Jewish Film Festival - 0 (playing 7th -19th November, Book Tickets Now!)
Monday, 19 October 2009
Projecting
Projectionists are a funny bunch.
They choose a career that basically involves being locked in a room surrounded by large machinery that makes a hell of a racket and don't really talk to other people much. A lot of projectionists are essentially vampires who emerge from their projection boxes once in a while to go on the hunt for trailers or unfortunate films that have escaped their clutches.
You get tall ones, short ones, thin ones and fat ones, just like real people. You also get lunatics, weirdos, freaks, deviants and psychos again just like real people. Even though they spend a lot of their time away from natural light, they do have human emotions and can be offended or upset if you don't treat them just right or if you inadvertantly give them paperwork to complete. Paperwork causes them to almost break down in tears because it doesn't involve pressing buttons or taking a machine to pieces and putting it back together again.
My Chief Projectionist is a very likeable chap. Having come from Brazil orginally and being built like a brick shit house doesn't hurt his people skills either. He still has scars on his forearms from his time as a bouncer back home but really knows his stuff when it comes to running a tight ship projection wise. Kind of like Lenny with brains. This helps the Chief when dealing with the vampires that work for him as although I'm sure they would like nothing more than to suck his blood dry, they wouldn't ever try to fuck him up as he could probably lift them up with one finger and take a Projector to their head with the other hand. I should hang a sign on the outside of the cinema saying 'Beware: This building is protected by an anti theft device who will flatten you if I let him off the leash'.
The irony of the situation is that the brick shit house slab of muscle who terrifies his Technicians and commands a 'respect me or else' attitude from everyone who meets him, is a holy man. He is a Christian Pastor who preaches peace and good will every Sunday lunchtime at his local church. Not everyone knows this and I do not volunteer this information to the people that meet him as it kind of takes away his 'hard bastard' mystique.
I'll spend more time on projectionists later, but for now I have a film that needs liberating from it's prison in the Post Office and I know just the giant available to help me intimidate the guy behind the counter...
They choose a career that basically involves being locked in a room surrounded by large machinery that makes a hell of a racket and don't really talk to other people much. A lot of projectionists are essentially vampires who emerge from their projection boxes once in a while to go on the hunt for trailers or unfortunate films that have escaped their clutches.
You get tall ones, short ones, thin ones and fat ones, just like real people. You also get lunatics, weirdos, freaks, deviants and psychos again just like real people. Even though they spend a lot of their time away from natural light, they do have human emotions and can be offended or upset if you don't treat them just right or if you inadvertantly give them paperwork to complete. Paperwork causes them to almost break down in tears because it doesn't involve pressing buttons or taking a machine to pieces and putting it back together again.
My Chief Projectionist is a very likeable chap. Having come from Brazil orginally and being built like a brick shit house doesn't hurt his people skills either. He still has scars on his forearms from his time as a bouncer back home but really knows his stuff when it comes to running a tight ship projection wise. Kind of like Lenny with brains. This helps the Chief when dealing with the vampires that work for him as although I'm sure they would like nothing more than to suck his blood dry, they wouldn't ever try to fuck him up as he could probably lift them up with one finger and take a Projector to their head with the other hand. I should hang a sign on the outside of the cinema saying 'Beware: This building is protected by an anti theft device who will flatten you if I let him off the leash'.
The irony of the situation is that the brick shit house slab of muscle who terrifies his Technicians and commands a 'respect me or else' attitude from everyone who meets him, is a holy man. He is a Christian Pastor who preaches peace and good will every Sunday lunchtime at his local church. Not everyone knows this and I do not volunteer this information to the people that meet him as it kind of takes away his 'hard bastard' mystique.
I'll spend more time on projectionists later, but for now I have a film that needs liberating from it's prison in the Post Office and I know just the giant available to help me intimidate the guy behind the counter...
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Secrets of Management....
You wouldn't think of it if you saw me, but I am accidentally quite good at my job. And now that I've said that I've probably just jinxed it and when I get back to work on Monday, the cinema will be on fire, half the staff will have resigned and I'll find a note from my boss telling me that 'we have to talk' which as everyone knows is code for 'this relationship just isn't working out (professionally speaking of course). Your final payslip will be sent to you in the post'.
But before all that happens I want to revel in my starlight (in the company's eyes) before it comes crashing back down to earth with a thump.
I'm accidentally good at my job which is odd because I accidentally fell into it when I was 23. Before becoming a Cinema Manager I'd been doing a stint in HMV here and a couple of weeks in Telesales there. I'd never had what you could call 'a proper job' since graduating. And then I started working in Cinema. Since then I've trained and practised as an HR Advisor between the cinema work and last year some berk (my boss) decided it would be a good idea to put me in charge of a London cinema.
I don't really want to work as a manager for the rest of my life. Like most of us, it's something that I keep telling myself will pay for the bills until I can actually make some money off the work I really want to do. I pushed myself hard to get into the position I'm in right now because I thought it would give me the flexibility to do the work I want to do in my spare time (cinema hours are not like regular work hours as anyone who works there will tell you). But I'm not here to talk about that right now. Right now I should do what the title of this post has said I will do and share some things I've learnt about management.
1. Always be nice to the people who are working for you, even if you hate them. Treat them with respect even if they're secretly plotting your downfall when you're not there. I've been fortunate to have worked with some very good people the past year and they've grafted hard to give the cinema I run the results it's gained. But I've also worked with people who've hated my guts. No one can be a good manager unless they get the people who are working for them on their side. 9 times out of 10 this means doing a lot of things that you'd rather not do. Even simple things like taking a half hour to talk to one of your team about what's on their mind can make a big difference. People find it hard to hate someone if that someone is working hard themselves and spending time with the people working for them. Of course the lazy fucks who don't want to work will still hate you, but that's okay because the moment they fuck up (and they will) you can fire them.
2. Listen. Hard for me as I have a tendency to interrupt people. But I'm learning......slowly....I know it works!
3. Smile. (I must sound like Walt Disney come back from the dead to brainwash people) But seriously, just saying hello and smiling can piss off the people who are trying to fuck you over and make the people who want to work feel better. Especially when times are tough or things are going bad.
4. Don't go on a power trip and think the sun shines out of your arse. It doesn't. The most successful managers I know are the ones who recognise that the people who do the majority of the work are the people who work for them. If you can't recognise this and be humble about it, then you shouldn't be a manager. It's okay to feel proud and powerful once in a while, but don't let it go to your head or you're fucked. Adolf Hitler and many like him have discovered this at great cost.
5. Don't be afraid to try new things or challenge the status quo. Sometimes you can take over a bad team, a demotivated team or a brilliant team. In each case it's important to keep that team interested and on their toes. Give them new things to do. Assign them projects. Make their role feel valued. If you can do this, then you can put your feet up confident in the knowledge that half the job's done and you can go and have a beer and watch the footy......if that's your thing.
6. Don't micro manage tasks or people. You have to trust the people who work for you can do stuff too. Don't be a twat and try to do everything yourself.
And my final piece of advice is that even if you're the best manager in the world, there are still going to be people who hate you with a vengance and would probably like to see you drown in a pool of your own vomit, but you can't let that bother you. If you do you might as well quit. You just have to face the fact that not everyone will like you. Jesus discovered this (to his horror) two thousand years ago and nothing's changed much about human beings since then.
As for me...well I enjoy 50% of my job. Now I have to try and get the other 50%. But more on that another time...
But before all that happens I want to revel in my starlight (in the company's eyes) before it comes crashing back down to earth with a thump.
I'm accidentally good at my job which is odd because I accidentally fell into it when I was 23. Before becoming a Cinema Manager I'd been doing a stint in HMV here and a couple of weeks in Telesales there. I'd never had what you could call 'a proper job' since graduating. And then I started working in Cinema. Since then I've trained and practised as an HR Advisor between the cinema work and last year some berk (my boss) decided it would be a good idea to put me in charge of a London cinema.
I don't really want to work as a manager for the rest of my life. Like most of us, it's something that I keep telling myself will pay for the bills until I can actually make some money off the work I really want to do. I pushed myself hard to get into the position I'm in right now because I thought it would give me the flexibility to do the work I want to do in my spare time (cinema hours are not like regular work hours as anyone who works there will tell you). But I'm not here to talk about that right now. Right now I should do what the title of this post has said I will do and share some things I've learnt about management.
1. Always be nice to the people who are working for you, even if you hate them. Treat them with respect even if they're secretly plotting your downfall when you're not there. I've been fortunate to have worked with some very good people the past year and they've grafted hard to give the cinema I run the results it's gained. But I've also worked with people who've hated my guts. No one can be a good manager unless they get the people who are working for them on their side. 9 times out of 10 this means doing a lot of things that you'd rather not do. Even simple things like taking a half hour to talk to one of your team about what's on their mind can make a big difference. People find it hard to hate someone if that someone is working hard themselves and spending time with the people working for them. Of course the lazy fucks who don't want to work will still hate you, but that's okay because the moment they fuck up (and they will) you can fire them.
2. Listen. Hard for me as I have a tendency to interrupt people. But I'm learning......slowly....I know it works!
3. Smile. (I must sound like Walt Disney come back from the dead to brainwash people) But seriously, just saying hello and smiling can piss off the people who are trying to fuck you over and make the people who want to work feel better. Especially when times are tough or things are going bad.
4. Don't go on a power trip and think the sun shines out of your arse. It doesn't. The most successful managers I know are the ones who recognise that the people who do the majority of the work are the people who work for them. If you can't recognise this and be humble about it, then you shouldn't be a manager. It's okay to feel proud and powerful once in a while, but don't let it go to your head or you're fucked. Adolf Hitler and many like him have discovered this at great cost.
5. Don't be afraid to try new things or challenge the status quo. Sometimes you can take over a bad team, a demotivated team or a brilliant team. In each case it's important to keep that team interested and on their toes. Give them new things to do. Assign them projects. Make their role feel valued. If you can do this, then you can put your feet up confident in the knowledge that half the job's done and you can go and have a beer and watch the footy......if that's your thing.
6. Don't micro manage tasks or people. You have to trust the people who work for you can do stuff too. Don't be a twat and try to do everything yourself.
And my final piece of advice is that even if you're the best manager in the world, there are still going to be people who hate you with a vengance and would probably like to see you drown in a pool of your own vomit, but you can't let that bother you. If you do you might as well quit. You just have to face the fact that not everyone will like you. Jesus discovered this (to his horror) two thousand years ago and nothing's changed much about human beings since then.
As for me...well I enjoy 50% of my job. Now I have to try and get the other 50%. But more on that another time...
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Fat Bastard + 1
Sometimes there's nothing like a good Sunday roast. Chicken, potatoes, carrots, brocoli, yorkshire pudding and champagne! That's exactly what I cooked and poured today when I woke up. I am truly a fat bastard. But I was not alone! My anatomically pleasing girlfriend was around so I also stuffed her full of food to the point where she actually passed out from food exhaustion. I was so proud. I should feel guilty considering the starving people in Africa and so on, but damn did that chicken taste good!
................burp!
................burp!
Saturday, 10 October 2009
Pirates and 30th Birthdays
My friend contacted me late last night to invite me aboard his Pirate ship in March 2010 where we plan to sail down the River Avon and make various townspeople walk the plank. He's changed his name from Dave to Captain Gaybeard for the duration of the journey. I also have to change my name too, but I haven't thought of one yet. Why are we planning on looting and plundering the English countryside? Well because Dave...sorry, Captain Gaybeard, turns 30 next year. So to mark this hallowed event/advanced mid life crisis, Captain Gaybeard wants to comandeer a ship and pretend to be a Pirate and scare random people along the river.
Pretty cool eh?
And it's also reminded me that I turn 30 before he does and there is no way I'm going to be able to top the Pirate ship idea! I mean we're going to be Pirates! How awesome is that?!
So now I'm going to have to put my thinking cap on and come up with a suitable event to mark my 30th year on this planet. And I'm thinking.....
Pretty cool eh?
And it's also reminded me that I turn 30 before he does and there is no way I'm going to be able to top the Pirate ship idea! I mean we're going to be Pirates! How awesome is that?!
So now I'm going to have to put my thinking cap on and come up with a suitable event to mark my 30th year on this planet. And I'm thinking.....
Thursday, 8 October 2009
The most annoying work problems and how to solve them. A quick 'how to guide'
Problem
People who keep pretending to be sick to avoid a disciplinary hearing
Solution
Call their bluff on Doctor's notes. Request to have access to their GP to verify their claims and say that the hearing is wheelchair accessible to make it easier for the retard to attend. When they decline, you know they're a no good two faced lying son of a bitch who deserve to be put down like a dog. Happily oblige after you've sacked them by shooting them in the legs and giving them a map to the hospital...along with their P45 of course.
Problem
Incompetent HR Managers who are really Advisors but like to be called Managers as it makes them feel less retarded then they actually are
Solution
Simple really. Never call them for advice. Instead contact the people who actually know employment law because they wrote it - the Government. They're retarded as well but you should follow their advice instead as that way if you have to go to Employment Tribunal, you can claim you were complying with employment law and the bastard who's dared to take you to tribunal looks like a bigger drooling spaz then he already is. Of course he's so dumb, he'll think he's at an auction and make a 50 pound bid for the judge's wig.
I'll have more on 'Time wasting tossers' tomorrow. Tune in if you can bother.
People who keep pretending to be sick to avoid a disciplinary hearing
Solution
Call their bluff on Doctor's notes. Request to have access to their GP to verify their claims and say that the hearing is wheelchair accessible to make it easier for the retard to attend. When they decline, you know they're a no good two faced lying son of a bitch who deserve to be put down like a dog. Happily oblige after you've sacked them by shooting them in the legs and giving them a map to the hospital...along with their P45 of course.
Problem
Incompetent HR Managers who are really Advisors but like to be called Managers as it makes them feel less retarded then they actually are
Solution
Simple really. Never call them for advice. Instead contact the people who actually know employment law because they wrote it - the Government. They're retarded as well but you should follow their advice instead as that way if you have to go to Employment Tribunal, you can claim you were complying with employment law and the bastard who's dared to take you to tribunal looks like a bigger drooling spaz then he already is. Of course he's so dumb, he'll think he's at an auction and make a 50 pound bid for the judge's wig.
I'll have more on 'Time wasting tossers' tomorrow. Tune in if you can bother.
Monday, 5 October 2009
Notes on retardation
How do you tell people that they really are stupid? Sometimes you can't bite your tongue, and I made the interesting decision to call a bunch of people I work for utter mongoes. Why? Because they really are. They are basically in charge of a multi mllion pound business and they piss money away like it's ten pints of beer on a Friday night!
Monday, 28 September 2009
One of those days...
One of those days where things are going bad,
One of those days where you think you're going mad,
Just one of those days were you wish the world wasn't so retarded,
And it just makes you so downhearted!
Just one of those days.......
One of those days where you think you're going mad,
Just one of those days were you wish the world wasn't so retarded,
And it just makes you so downhearted!
Just one of those days.......
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Do Men Have Periods?
Apparently we do according to my girlfriend and numerous blogs I've read. There's even a rumour going around that we can lactate as well, but I'm not willing to consider what they mean when putting on a clean shirt to go to work.
Well anyway, asides from all the comments I've read about this, I am told that I can act like a complete drama queening bastard a minimun of once a month. 'A minimum of once a month?' I asked my girlfriend? 'Well actually more like once a week' she laughed in response.
The odd thing is, I do turn into a moody bastard for a week once a month. But it's usually when I've been denied access to food or when I've looked at my latest paycheck and wept at the pitiful amount of money I'm being paid, or when I'm told that there will be no snow at Christmas etc etc.
My conclusions from the five minutes I've spent thinking about this is that we all have periods every day, male and female. And sometimes there are worse periods then others. So basically the next time I see someone about to yell at me for no reason, I intend to comfort myself by the thought that they're probably on their period and I should be more understanding.
I have to go now. I've just heard that the cinema is flooding again. I feel my period coming on......
Well anyway, asides from all the comments I've read about this, I am told that I can act like a complete drama queening bastard a minimun of once a month. 'A minimum of once a month?' I asked my girlfriend? 'Well actually more like once a week' she laughed in response.
The odd thing is, I do turn into a moody bastard for a week once a month. But it's usually when I've been denied access to food or when I've looked at my latest paycheck and wept at the pitiful amount of money I'm being paid, or when I'm told that there will be no snow at Christmas etc etc.
My conclusions from the five minutes I've spent thinking about this is that we all have periods every day, male and female. And sometimes there are worse periods then others. So basically the next time I see someone about to yell at me for no reason, I intend to comfort myself by the thought that they're probably on their period and I should be more understanding.
I have to go now. I've just heard that the cinema is flooding again. I feel my period coming on......
Prepare for Strangeness
The present is called the present because it's a gift apparently. That's Kung Fu Panda wisdom right there. And all in all, it's not too far from the truth. I don't have too much to complain about asides from the usual everyday issues most people have. Gripes about my job, my living situation, my lack of riches, not having a chiseled body, my desire to work harder and my ability to be lazy always in competition with one another....etc etc. I'm just a regular joe. Albeit a regular joe who's been in some pretty strange situations.
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