On average roughly 8.5 people are having sex in a cinema within the M25 and London a day. If I've got my maths right, that works out to about four couples copping off in the back row and one couple having a very heavy petting session or possibly just a blow job in the toilets.
Apologies for being so crass, but these things actually happen in cinema. Not every cinema mind you. The multiplexes that have a core chav audience are more susceptible to squelchy moans in a screen then say a traditional old high street cinema. Why? Well two reasons really.
1. High street cinemas are more likely to have more ushers/attendants monitoring the screens than the multiplexes due to layout and levels. On a multiplex layout it's easier to nip into a screen for a discreet shag as there is rarely more than one person monitoring the screens unless the cinema is very busy.
2. Chavs have a tendency to want to squelch in public places. This may have to do with their lack of brain cells and similarities in looks to Vicky Pollard.
During my time as a manager I've caught numerous couples 'getting it on' in the cinema the most recent being a pair of twenty somethings who gave the words 'disabled access' a whole new meaning. I'll let you imagine what we caught them doing. Personally I've been trying not to think about it. What is most interesting is that this couple were caught during the opening weekend of Sex and The City 2. The things they were doing make the film and series look like bawdy Carry on Films. And to be honest, from what I've heard from my team, the shagging couple provided more entertainment then the film ever could. (Apparently Sex and the City 2 is a bit shit).
So watch out when you next come to the cinema. If there are couples about in the screens or heading towards the toilets, you might want to keep a safe distance. You never know when someone's going to squelch.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
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Favourite Films
- About Schmidt - "Jeanie might be a little past her prime, but I still think she could have done a lot better!"
- Frost/Nixon - "I'm saying if the President does it, that makes it legal!"
- Ghostbusters - "You don't generally see that kind of behaviour in a house hold appliance."
- Aliens - "Game over man!"
- Terminator 2 Judgement Day - "Why do you cry?"
- Star Trek 2 The Wrath of Khan - "Aren't you dead?"
- Run Lola Run - "I fucked up Lola!"
- Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix - "I must just have missed it, but by a happy coincidence I arrived at the ministry an hour early"
- Goldeneye - "How original!"
- The Fifth Element - "Anybody else want to negotiate?"
- The Royal Tenenbaums - "Eli just ran his car into our house."
- Kill Bill - "Blonde bitch!"
- Kung Fu Hustle - "Hey fatso. How about you?"
- The Incredibles - "We look like criminals Bob! Inept criminals!"
- Spiderman - "I hunch."
- Dirty Harry - "I see a guy chasing a woman screaming, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy."
- Gran Torino - "Get off my lawn!"
- The Bourne Identity - "How can I know all of that and not know who I am?"
- Dodgeball - "If you can dodge traffic you can dodge balls!"
- The Jungle Book - "Man village? They'll ruin him. They'll make a man out of him!"
- Role Models - "Kiss are great! All their songs are about fucking!"
- Up - "So long suckers!"
- All About Eve - "Eve, Eve, Eve!"
- The Usual Suspects - "Have you ever tried to shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?"
- Star Trek - "Space, the final frontier..."
- American Beauty - "I think your parents haven't had sex in a long time!"
- Coraline - "It's Coraline, not Caroline!"
- Gladiator - "Strength and Honour"
Reading, writing
